


Polaris Goes Dark

by roguewrld



Series: Polaris Goes Dark [1]
Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-28
Updated: 2012-09-05
Packaged: 2017-11-13 01:23:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/497866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roguewrld/pseuds/roguewrld
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Coulson dies, Clint is fine. Natasha, on the other hand, is falling apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Natasha dipped a fry into garlic paste and thought about cowardice. She hadn’t told Clint about Phil on the carrier because she was afraid he would do something stupid during the battle. She hadn’t told him while they were waiting for someone to come collect Loki. And now, she wasn’t sure how to tell him. This was why she avoided emotional entanglements.

The door to the _shawarma_ restaurant swung open, and Natasha almost thanked god. “Director.”

“Agent Barton, let’s take a walk.” Fury didn’t come in, just stood in the doorway looking imposing.

Clint pushed his chair back and stood, swaying on his feet a little. “I’m really tired, sir. I just want to eat, and go home.”

“If you’re going to whine about not being finished, you can bring it with you, but we need to talk, now.” Fury held the door open and Clint picked up a pita and followed him out.

She must have made an outward sigh of relief, because Steve had swung his gaze to her, suddenly in focus. “Natasha, does Clint know Agent Coulson is dead?”

“No.”

He looked alarmed. “Agent Coulson talked about him on the ride to the Carrier. He told me they’d worked together a long time.”

“They did.” Natasha wasn’t sure how to explain it to him. “Before you slept, did you ever lose someone that close?”

“Yes.” Steve set down his food. Suddenly, his schwarma wasn’t so appealing.

“And what did you do, the day after?”

“I drove a plane into the ocean.” It sounded bad. Steve knew that as soon as the words were out of his mouth. “It wasn’t like that. It was a sacrifice play, but not suicide.”

“Of course not.” She ate another fry. “Tony, we’re going to need a place to stay, at least tonight. Can you manage that?”

Tony startled out of his half doze. “Yeah, I can manage it. As long as you guys are okay in generic spare bedrooms.” 

“I was thinking of quietly sneaking away, actua-” Bruce cut off mid-sentence as Tony latched onto his arm.

“You’re not going anywhere, big guy. You’re getting a sweet employment contract and your own lab. Your duties may occasionally involve staying up very late and making sure I don’t blow myself up. “

Any objections Bruce might have made were put aside when Clint came back in, alone, his face completely blank.  He sat back down, and pulled a plate of fries over. “Fury says my building was damaged in the fighting. I don’t even have a toothbrush or a razor. It was all in my quarters at PEGASUS. You want to get a hotel, Tasha?”

“Clint,” And Steve threw himself on the grenade. “Did you and Fury talk about anything else?”

Clint stole the garlic paste from Natasha . “He told me about Phil. You can all stop dancing around it.”

Natasha reached over and he moved away. Not a flinch, but a dodge to keep the garlic paste out of her reach. She didn’t know what to say. She’d been prepared for tears, a breakdown. She hadn’t been prepared for him to just carry on, like nothing had happened. “We’re staying with Stark, at least until we can send Loki back to Asgard.”

“Okay.” He looked at the garlic paste and seemed to reconsider. “Here, you can have it back. I’m going to go get some ketchup.”

“Is he always so? I have known warriors of Asgard who could only dream of being so stoic.” Thor had hit it on the nose.

“No, not at all.”

“Shock?” Bruce pushed his chair back and started to get up. “I can check him over.”

“Not in public.” She’s reasonably sure he’s not going to kill himself with ketchup. It should be safe enough to wait until they get back to the Tower.

\---

Tony put them in the same room. Whether it’s because he actually noticed that Clint was acting oddly or because he thinks they’re fucking, it was the right thing to do.

She curled beside him in the big bed and rested her head on his shoulder. It had been a bad few days. “Clint, are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” His face was still painfully blank but he ruffled her hair.

“I’m not.” She is so far from okay, bruised and battered and one of the only two people she really trusted is dead. He wraped his arms around her and she doesn’t cry, although she shook. It’s not an act, it’s not, but still, she’d expected him to cry once he’d seen her weaken.

Instead, he just held her and whispered, “It’s going to be okay, Nat, I promise.” The words were sincere. Clint was perfectly calm, and he meant it.

Natasha had saved his life, but maybe he hadn’t come back all the way. There was only one way to be sure.

\---

After they sent Loki back to Asgard, they drove to Westchester for the weekend.

They pulled up in front of Xavier’s mansion and Clint sighed. “I hate it when he goes poking through my head.”

“If you ever want to work again, you’re going to have to do this.” She grabed their bags from the back of the car.

He was wearing that blank face again when he took his bag from her. “What are you doing while Professor X is digging through my brain?”

Logan was sparring on the lawn with one of the students. He wasn’t wearing a shirt. It had been a rough week, she could use the distraction. “The usual.”

\---

“I’ve done extensive readings. Mr. Barton is fine.”

Natasha gave him an even stare. “He was under mind control for several days and his puppet master killed his partner of ten years. He has shown absolutely no grief, or sadness. He cannot be fine.”

“Ms. Romanova,” Charles Xavier rolled his chair forward. “Perhaps that was a poor choice of words, but I stand by my analysis. All I can tell you is that his mind is his own. Anything beyond that would be an invasion of his privacy.”

 She doesn’t believe him. She can’t, because it means everything she’s ever believed about Clint is a lie.

\---

They go back to SHIELD on Monday, because she can’t think of what else to do. They could run away, go into deep cover, but when she suggests it, Clint just shakes his head. “I want to go back to work.”

“Alright.” She puts the car in gear and starts the drive back to Manhattan. “Do you want to stay with me? Stark said it’s going to be at least a month until our apartments in the Tower are ready.”

“No.” He puts on his sun glasses and stares vacantly out the window. “I know you hate sharing quarters with me. I leave my dirty clothes everywhere and I drink all your vodka. If there’s no space at headquarters, I can get a room on the Carrier.”

“You hate staying on the Carrier.” He doesn’t answer, and she turns the car onto 87 so they can start their trip south. “I understand what happened to you. I’ll listen, if you want to talk.”

He doesn’t look at her, but to Natasha’s surprise he does start to talk. “I’m having trouble sleeping. Nightmares about what he made me do. You don’t need that going on in your living room.”

They spent the rest of the 45 minute drive talking about control and learning to live in your own skin again, but he didn’t mention Phil, not once, as if it wasn't bothering him at all.

\---

She came in to work on Wednesday to find Clint packing. “I’ve got an assignment.”

“Solo?” He was a sniper, it was his nature, but she couldn’t believe Fury would put him back into the field so soon. “Who’s going as your handler?”

“I’m playing Fury’s body guard while he meets with some suits. It’s not that kind of mission.” He was packing light, at least weapons wise. There are enough generic SHIELD uniforms in there for a week. 

“How long will you be gone?” His clothes were going to be a mess. His neatly packed bags on missions must have been gifts from Phil.

“A few weeks? Fury’s in deep shit with everyone right now.” Clint zipped the bag closed, the toe of one sock sticking out at the end. “I salvaged some stuff out of the rubble of my apartment. If Stark finishes my rooms before I get back, will you move it for me? I don’t want some random agent sleeping in here with my stuff.”

“Of course.” He grabbed a second bag, already packed on the end of the bed, and gave her a hug goodbye. When he’d gone, she opened the boxes. There wasn’t much, he’d never had much, but Phil had owned a large collection of Captain America memorabilia, some of it locked in special cases. If Clint’s copy of The Dark Knight had survived, the best of Phil’s collection should have too. There was nothing in the boxes that belonged to Phil.

Natasha sat down on the bed and felt lost.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha attempts to use science to figure out what's going on with Clint. It doesn't go so well.

Banner was already living in the Tower. He was still sleeping in the spare room Tony had shoved him in the first night and every time he tried to sneak out (in the middle of the night, in the afternoon, after Tony and Pepper had disappeared into their room) he never quite managed to make it out of the building. “I think JARVIS is tipping him off.”

He poured her a cup of tea. His mugs are very sturdy. Banner made his tea with loose leaves and Natasha stared at a few of them that had slipped through the strainer, swirling in the bottom of her cup.

“I’m not sure it’s safe for me to stay here, long term, no matter how much the Other Guy likes Tony. Do you think SHIELD would have any luck convincing him I shouldn’t be here? Natasha? Natasha, are you listening?”

“Yes, I’m listening.” She took a deep breath. “Doctor Banner, I’d like you to stay.”

“You. You want me to stay.” Banner picked up the teapot and stared inside it. “I don’t think Tony would drug me to keep me here, too dangerous.”

Natasha set down her cup. “I’ve known Clint for a long time and I know him very well. He brought me in, he made me a person. I don’t care what Fury’s psychics are saying, what we got back from Loki is not Clint Barton.”

“I’m going to need more information than that. Do you think he’s been… replaced? Or that he’s still under Loki’s control?” Banner reached for his StarkPad, pulling up the machine manifest. He needed special equipment for this.

“I don’t know. It seems to thinks it’s Clint, and it’s good enough to fool Xavier.” There was, of course, another possibility but one she wouldn’t admit out loud.

Bruce nodded and pushed his glasses back up his nose. He didn’t ask any questions, just said “Do you have a sample of his DNA? Before and after would be best.”

She produced a blood stained t-shirt from her bag and a piece of tissue with a spot of blood. “The t-shirt is from before he was stationed at PEGASUS. It’s all his, he got punched in the face on the last mission we ran together. The tissue is from a shaving cut a few days ago.”

“It’s a good start.” Banner took them and put them in plastic containers. “What do you want me to do if I find something? A variance in his DNA, gamma radiation, that sort of thing?”

“Bring it to me.” If they found something, she’ll take it to Maria Hill and get Fury out safely. If they couldn’t find anything… well, she’ll burn that bridge when she came to it.

\---

A week later, she found herself in the genetics lab with Banner again. “I didn’t find anything. The samples are an excellent match, there’s no evidence of residual energy from the Tesseract. Can you tell me why you’re so convinced he’s not Clint?”

“Phil is dead and it doesn’t seem to matter to him at all. Either he’s had a complete mental break or it’s not Clint. Either way, he shouldn’t be in the field.”

“Were they close?” Bruce pulled up the electrophoresis images, looking at them again, even though he wasn’t expecting to find anything new.

“I should hope so. I stood up at their wedding last summer.”

“Oh.” Bruce thought of Clint in the schwarma restaurant, his blank face and his calm reaction to Phil’s death. “I need help, if you want me to keep looking.  What Loki does isn’t exactly magic, but to us it might as well be. Doctor Foster is supposed to be here when construction is finished. She knows more about Asgardian science than else anyone on this planet.”

\---

Jane Foster had brought along her assistant, who provided the perspective on the typical relationship Bruce and Natasha both lacked. “Not normal.”

Jane was looking over the DNA analysis and blood workups. It wasn’t her field, but she wanted to make sure there was nothing unusual in the data. “Darcy, we don’t-“

“Not. Normal.” Darcy crossed her arms. “Agent Coulson personally vetted me to act as Erik and Jane’s SHIELD liaisons. Clint did my firearms training. They were very sweet together. Jane and I even sent them a wedding gift.”

“We did?” Jane didn’t remember that.

Darcy ignored her. “The point is, I agree with Agent Romanoff.”

“Thank you for your perspective, Darcy. “ Natasha was glad to hear it. She had stopped being objective about Clint a while ago.

 “The basic premise of my work is that we apply Clarke’s Law to anything Thor calls magic. Otherwise, we go crazy.” Jane flipped open a file. It showed a security camera shot of Clint’s eyes, blue with Loki’s control. “I’ve read the reports you sent, Agent Romanoff. Aside from the fact that he was working for the enemy, Clint was essentially doing his job. Recruiting, strategy, taking difficult shots. Doctor Selvig was continuing his research, he was even in compliance with OSHA safety standards when he built that shutoff. They were being controlled, but they were still themselves. He didn’t turn them into puppets.”

“You could do that with very precise chemical control over the brain. It’s beyond current medical science, but we’ve scraped the surface with psychopharmacology. If Loki was manipulating them with very precise chemical control, it explains why a blow to the head fixed it. His body would have reacted with a flood of chemicals, upsetting Loki’s control.”

“It doesn’t explain why his feelings for Coulson didn’t come back online. Love, long term love anyway, isn’t chemical. Loki couldn’t make Clint stop loving Agent Coulson with chemical control. He’d have to do something else.” Jane leaned back in her chair and pondered the ceiling of Bruce’s lab. “Our brains aren’t hard drive, exactly. Closer to a warehouse. As long as you know where everything is, you can find it. Otherwise, you’re out of luck. If Loki had a map, he could have done something, hid something. Clint’s brain may not be able to find it, since it’s off the map.”

Natasha just shook her head. “It’s a good theory, but Clint has already been scanned by the most powerful psychic we have. And he gave Clint a clean bill of health. If Loki hid something, it would have to be as deeply hidden as Logan’s past.”

“When he comes back, I want to talk to him.” There was something off about their theory, but Darcy couldn’t quite put her finger on what.

\---

Clint was gone almost a month. He came back looking tired, but not noticeably thinner so at least he had been eating. Darcy found him on the range, practically cooing to one of his bows. “You left your bow behind?”

“I took one with me, but she’s my favorite.” Clint gave the bow a pat and set it back in its case. “I take it you and the Doc have relocated?”

“Fury said something about the Avengers needing a babysitter and Tony Stark kept offering her more and more money until she gave in.” Darcy took one of the seats at the edge of the range. “No one will tell me what happened to Agent Coulson.”

Clint’s face went totally blank the instant she said Coulson’s name. “He went up against Loki alone. Loki stabbed him in the chest.”

“I’m sorry.” Clint didn’t say anything back, just strung his bow. “If there’s anything I can do, let me know.”

“I’m fine.” The first arrow he shot flew true and hit the target dead center. “Alright, that’s a lie. But really, I don’t need anything.”

His face was still blank and empty and it made Darcy feel cold. “Clint, we’re not exactly close, but I’m not stupid. Something is wrong. Agent Romanoff is very worried about you, and now so am I.”

Clint drew another arrow from his quiver and nocked it. “Talk to Fury. I’m fine.”

\---

"Jane, I need you to stop and think about what you're doing." Darcy pressed a bagel into Jane's hand and set down a cup of coffee. “Agent Coulson is dead. Forcing Clint to remember just to make Agent Romanoff feel better, that isn't right."

It took a minute for Jane to parse that 1) There was food and 2) Darcy made a good point. "He does seem to be doing okay. Better than Erik. We would be ripping his heart out if we could make him remember."

She left Jane to her bagel and took the elevator to Clint's floor. He was reading a book and just looking at him pissed her off. "I talked to Fury and you're an asshole. If you ever put me in a position like this again, I will taser you and leave you naked in the lobby after I call TMZ. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

He looked like he wants to say more but she didn't let him. "You're escorting me to headquarters this afternoon. Fury has a job offer he wants to make me. We leave in an hour. You'll be doing three days of guard duty." She left before he did something infuriating, like thank her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SHIELD has asked nothing of her she wouldn't give, but Natasha doesn't think Clint has been so lucky.

Natasha’s recruitment into SHIELD went something like this.

In the Red Room, she’d had a partner. His name had been James and he was a sharp shooter. They’d created the Infinity Serum from him, and it had let them keep the Widows young and beautiful. They’d worked together for a long time, the Black Widow and the Winter Soldier, both of them perfect Red Room creations, until something had started to go wrong with him. Whoever he had been before was starting to come through. They had made her watch, while they’d wiped all his memories and frozen him. It didn’t matter that his body was still capable of breathing, they’d killed James.

She ran. The Soldier had taught her everything he knew and he had known a lot, but what he couldn’t teach her was how to fight with no backup at all. He’d had a partner before her, a man whose name he couldn’t remember, and the Red Room had provided support to their valuable assets. The ten years she spent running from her former employers, working for anyone who would pay her, were as dehumanizing as anything the Red Room had done to her.

The running wore her down. Her brain was a jumble of memory patches and they were starting to break down. She was starting to remember and she suddenly understood why James had been so afraid.

It was at her lowest point, when she had mostly lost track of what it meant to be human, that SHIELD caught up with her, and sent a sniper to kill her. She knew he was there, watching her in her cheap hotel room, but she wasn’t expecting the phone call.

When she answered, a voice said, “Don’t move.” A red dot appeared on her chest then tracked upward. “You know, Widow, it would be a real waste if I killed you. You’re very talented. I’ve watched you collect information, it’s beautiful.”

“Thank you.” It was maybe the best compliment she’d ever received, since it had nothing to do with her looks. “Do you do this to all your marks?”

“No, I thought we could chat for a bit.”

Natasha glanced into the mirror. The dot was perfectly centered on her forehead. “About what?”

“About partners. Your partner was a sniper, wasn’t he? Until the Red Room killed him. I can see why you ran, I wouldn’t put up with that shit either but sooner or later the lone wolf dies, Widow. I have a couple options for you, your choice.”

“You’ve got me in your sights and I have options? I’m flattered.” There was still a chance she could use her skills here. Men had weaknesses.

“Don’t try your Black Widow act on me. I’m sleeping with my handler, and he’s the jealous type.”

“I understand.” It was something the Solider had protected her from, but Yelena had been in an arrangement of that sort.

“Look, if you want a bullet to the brain, we can do that. Or, you can have a sniper at your back again. I’ll go to bat for you. Your choice.”

“I’m not looking for new masters.”

The voice gives a short laugh. “No, but neither was I. It was this or death for me too, Widow, and I’ve never regretted it.”

She’d been running a long time, but running away not towards anything. “Alright.”

\---

They brought some guy in to scan her brain, to make sure she wasn’t a time bomb. He took out the patches and puts everything back in the right order.  The Red Room had killed her parents. She had never been a ballerina.

She met Clint’s handler on her third day in SHIELD’s base. He was an unassuming looking man, going bald. “Ms. Romanova. I can’t say I ever expected to meet you face to face. I’ll be assuming responsibility for you, once you’re cleared for active duty.”

He’s not repulsive and worse has certainly been asked of her but it’s unusual, considering he’s bedding Barton already. “Yes, sir.”

“Let’s talk about your capabilities.” He uncapped a pen and flipped open the cover of a notebook. “Tell me about your training.”

\---

She had been there about a month when she saw them together for the first time. Barton had just come back from somewhere, she wasn’t allowed to know where, and he looked terrible. Coulson looked angry. “I’m not sure you’re aware of this, Agent Barton, but you’re only human. As a human being, you cannot fly.”

“I’m aware, sir.” Whatever Barton had done to himself, he appeared to have landed on his face. He was bruised and bloody.

Coulson shook his head and pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket. “I shouldn’t let you go into the field without me. Obviously, no one else can take care of you.”

It’s almost sweet, and that’s confusing. Natasha caught a glimpse of Coulson’s face. It was full of affection and that made even less sense. 

\---

“Coulson is in love with you.”

“Bit abrupt, Natasha.” Clint was doing maintenance on his bow, and he didn’t even look up when she came into his room unannounced. “And yes, I’m aware.”

“He’s not forcing you. He actually cares about you.” She sat down across from him at the work table. “I don’t enjoy working without any information, Barton.”

"Coulson's not... He wouldn't..." Clint set down the piece of wax he was using on his bow string. “Fury mentioned it about a year ago. He suggested I do something about it. Apparently, Phil was pining. Pining isn’t a good look on anonymous government agents.”

A new picture began to form in Natasha’s mind. Coulson was a good man, that much was clear, and Barton was an excellent specimen of the male form. If you didn’t find him particularly irritating or mind his odd habits of hiding in small spaces, he was probably an acceptable long term partner. SHIELD was the only real home Barton had ever had and he was very loyal. “Does Coulson know what Fury asked you to do?”

“Don’t tell him.” Clint picked the chunk of wax back up and went back to work.

She felt bad for Coulson, at first, because he was so happy and Clint wasn’t going to keep this charade up forever, orders or no orders, but she was wrong. Clint looked happy too and she read a bit about how arranged marriages could become happy ones. As she leveled out, became more socialized, it started to sit wrong, what Fury did, but she didn’t say anything. Not for a long time.

\---

On a random summer day, eight years into her tenure at SHIELD, Clint asked, “Are you busy on Saturday?”

“No.” She looked at him over the top of her book, suspicious. “I plan on spending my weekend peacefully alone. Without being your co-conspirator in whatever you have planned.”

“What if I told you I was getting married and needed you to stand up for me?” He was dead serious and she put the book aside. “Fury is coming too, and there’s going to be something at a bar after.”

That little spark of anger about Fury rose to the surface again. “I didn’t think you were the marrying kind, Clint.”

He shrugged. “I figure if we get married, his mom will stop dropping hints and I’ll get about six months of peace before she wants grandchildren.”

She was reasonably sure it was a joke but she’d heard worse reasons for getting married. She’d always believed that Clint had come to love Phil. She’d believed it right up until he’d walked back into the schwarma restaurant, blank faced and clear eyed.

She’d lied to Bruce and Jane, but she’d lied to herself even more. They could spin all the theories about sectors of his brain being offline they wanted, but she knew the truth, even if she had been in denial. Clint had been willing to die for SHIELD, and he’d been willing to live a lie for SHIELD. She’d known him a long time and he could close down his face all he wanted, he couldn’t hide from her forever. Ever since he had come back from the talk with Fury, he’d been walking around like a giant weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He’d been walking around relieved.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha says some things she'll come to regret and does some thing she never will.

Darcy came back from her meeting with Fury wearing a side arm and a new job as "Cat herder. I'm supposed to keep you all from killing each other until Fury can assign a permanent liaison. Then I'll be that person's assistant. Any comments?"

Tony opened his mouth to say something and Bruce put a hand over it. "No comments, Miss Lewis. Welcome to the asylum."

Steve shook her hand and called her ma'am. She threatened to shoot him if he did it again. This made him blush, which Natasha made note of if she ever needed to seduce him.

Clint was gone again.

\---

When Clint came back, he looked like he hadn’t slept since he left. He didn’t talk to anyone, just went to his room and slept for eighteen hours.

“Should we... do something?” Steve had a worried look on his face and he got to his feet. “He looks awful. Fury shouldn’t be pushing him so hard.”

“Sit back down.” Tony dropped another pancake on Steve’s plate. “Leave him alone. Have you ever been tortured, Steve?”

Steve got that look that meant he was thinking of Bucky, but he said “No.”

“Well, you’re the only one in this room. He’s coping, even if you don’t like it.” Tony passed the plate to Bruce. “You need to eat more, Big Guy. Natasha?”

“No, thank you.” He doesn’t talk about Afghanistan anymore, not to anyone, but he must have told Bruce because the man didn’t as much as raise an eyebrow but Steve looked like someone had punched him in the gut. Natasha could sympathize, she’d felt that way a lot lately.

\---

When Clint woke up, Natasha was looming over him. "Do you remember, when you promised never to lie to me?"

"Yes." To his credit he didn't scramble back or flinch.

"You also said as an Agent, my body would be my own. That SHEILD would never order me to fuck anyone."

"It never has." He looked confused. "Natasha-"

"But it was asked of you. You never loved him, did you? You can pretend all you want, but I know you. You're happy he's dead." She wanted to ring his neck, to scream. Phil had been her friend and he had no idea what Fury had done. "He wouldn't have forced you. If Fury was holding something over your head, he would have helped you. Do you even enjoy fucking men, or did you sleep with Coulson all those years for your country?"

"You don't know anything. Get out of my room." His face was cold and blank again, and she rolled off him and left the room without another word.

\---

Her sense of self was coming apart. She had rebuilt her humanity on trust in Clint. He had never lied to her or manipulated her. Except, apparently, the lie of omission, the assumption that he had loved his husband. As she punched the heavy bag, Natasha wondered if Clint would have gone on with it forever, if Coulson hadn’t died, if he would have someday gone to his own death with one of Coulson’s dog tags in his wallet.

When the bag split, after a particularly viscous punch, a voice came from behind her. “I’ve never seen anyone else do that.” Steve had slipped in, probably looking for a chance to demolish the heavy bag himself.

“The Red Room does good work.” It was either the bag, or Clint’s face. For the sake of the team, she’d beaten the bag.

Steve watched her unwrap her hands, making sure that she hadn’t hurt herself too badly, before he spoke again. “You’re really angry. Is there anything I can do?”

“I lost someone, a long time ago. Tonight, I miss him very much.” James had taught her how to bend and not break, but after all these years at SHIELD, she seemed to have lost the knack.

He sat down on the floor and patted the space next to him. “I understand loss. You’re on your own turning on the TV. I need JARVIS to do it for me.”

“I don’t think I can trust SHIELD anymore.” She almost choked on the words. If she was not Natasha Romanoff, Agent of SHIELD, then who was she?

“I agree. We don’t know who’s pulling his strings, but I won’t work for a group that would use nuclear weapons on civilians. Tony and I have been talking, he’s willing to have us all here permanently. Miss Potts has offered us financial backing and...” Steve trailed off. “They gave everything to Peggy, when I died. She and Howard invested it. He was so sure I was coming back he left a provision in his will holding it in trust until I came back. It’s a lot. I don’t want any of it. We can use it to get started.”

The pressure on her chest receded a little. She could be an Avenger, she could follow Steve’s lead. Phil would have approved. “Thank you, Steve. That helps.” If she had lost Clint, at least she hadn’t lost everything.

\---

Clint was on the phone and he thought he was alone. He had been particularly distracted the past week, or she wouldn’t have been able to get away with it. “I’m on my way, I promise. Do you want me to bring anything?” He laughed at whoever was on the other end of the line. “I always bring that. I was talking about dinner.” He sounded happy and affectionate and she wanted to kill whoever it was he was talking to, just because they weren’t Phil. “Okay, I’ll order the pizza and then I’ll head out. See you soon.” He killed the call and placed an order for pizza and wings and asked for them to be delivered to a hotel nearby.

He was gone all night and in the morning he was so cheerful at breakfast Tony asked for ID before he’d give him coffee. Clint leaned against the counter and talked to Steve about baseball and Natasha couldn’t take it anymore. She left her half eaten bagel on the plate and put on her shoes.

It wasn’t a long walk to the hotel and it wasn’t hard to get into the elevator. The card readers were never meant to keep out someone with her skill set. Room 1247 was as nondescript as every other room in the hall and there was a Do Not Disturb sign hung on the knob. She knocked, and stepped aside so whoever it was couldn’t see her through the peep hole. She had no idea who could be in the room and she didn’t want to get a shotgun to the face. 

If Nick Fury himself had answered, she wouldn’t have blinked. Maria or Jasper, she could see. But when Phil Coulson answered, holding Clint’s sunglasses in one hand and saying, “Forget something?” all she could do was draw her gun.

“Good morning?” He took a step back and held open the door for her. “Did Clint tell you where I was, or has JARVIS gotten back into the servers?”

“Neither.” He was shirtless and there wasn’t even a scar. “I saw the video. Phil was stabbed through the chest. If you’re him, if by some miracle you survived that, where’s your scar?”

“An experimental procedure. I’ve been in a coma since the attack on the Carrier. I only woke up last week and I just got out of the hospital yesterday.” He was calm enough to be Phil, staring at her, ignoring the gun pointed at him. “I suppose one day to myself was too much to ask. Are the rest of them outside?”

It could have been a legitimate question, or he could have been probing for weaknesses. She decided to ignore it. “I’m going to need proof.”

“Call Fury.” There was bad reality TV on mute, another point for it actually being Phil.

“No matter how you cut it, Fury lies. Either he lied about you being dead or you’re some facsimile and he’d lie about that.” They could be running some kind of game on Clint, with an LMD. “How long has Clint known?”

“Fury isn’t a monster, Natasha. He never let Clint think I was dead.” Phil glanced at her gun. “Are you going to shoot me, or would you like breakfast?”

“Proof, then breakfast.” She wasn’t sure what he could tell her that she would believe, but she’d let him try.

Phil sat down at a table where his own breakfast was half eaten. “I suppose I could tell you something only the two of us would know, but I don’t think that would work. So I’m going to tell you something only Phil Coulson could know and you can decide if you still want to shoot me. I’ve got a grapefruit, I think we’re evenly matched.”

“Alright.”

If she had been expecting something about Clint, she was wrong. There was a small box on the table and torn wrapping paper in the trash can. He opened the box and pulled out a stack of cards. He took one out of the pack and set it on the table where she could see it. “I can tell you the identity of the Winter Soldier.”

It was James, rifle slung over one shoulder, looking off into the distance. It wasn’t a photograph though, not exactly. She flipped it over to find a block of text on the back, identifying the photo as being of James ‘Bucky’ Barnes, a sharp shooter who had served with the Howling Commandos. “This is one of your trading cards.”

“A replacement, actually, but yes, it’s a Captain America trading card. When we brought you in and you described him, described the Infinity Serum, I knew. I didn’t tell anyone, not even Fury. I didn’t think it mattered, then.” Phil very calmly put jam on his toast, like they were talking about the weather.

It was something that only Coulson could know, something only he could have put together. She holstered the gun. “You have five minutes to tell me why I shouldn’t hurt Fury for doing this to us.”

“Until last week, I wasn’t expected to live. He thought he was letting Clint be with me when I died, but I hung on. I wasn’t getting any better, but I wasn’t going to die on my own either. Without the technology from Futurepharm, I would still be unconscious in a hospital bed.”

He offered her a piece of the toast, and she took it. “I may have said some pretty terrible things to Clint. Accused him of never loving you, of being Fury’s pawn.”

“I know.” He poured her a cup of coffee. “But it’s Clint. He can’t hold a grudge, no matter how awful people are to him. He’ll forgive you.”

She took the cup and took a sip. It was dark and strong, but not bitter. There was a French press on the breakfast tray, another mark for Phil being Phil. “You’ll be coming back to the Tower with me, when we’re done with breakfast. I’m sorry about your day off, but the others deserve to know.”

“And you’ll be able to subject me to invasive testing.” He drained his cup and went to get a shirt. The scar on his back where he had caught a blade five years ago and she stitched him up herself is still there and finally, it feels like she can breathe again.

\---

They made it all the way out of the lobby before Fury intercepted them in a black sedan. “Both of you get in. We’re doing this my way.”

She hadn’t been gone long, just an hour or so, and the others were in the communal TV room watching ‘The Day the Earth Stood Still.’ They walked in just as Steve was saying, “-assumed everyone would have robots by now. Tony’s the only person I’ve met who’s actually living the future how I imagined it. It’s actually…” He was facing the door and trailed off when he caught sight of Fury. “Director. We weren’t expecting you.”

Fury walked over to the TV and turned it off. “As of right now, the Avengers are an independent group, outside the purview of the World Security Council. I hope you people appreciate all the bullshit I had to go through to make this possible. The only condition is that SHIELD be allowed to place a liaison with your team, so we can provide you with the support you need the next time the world goes to hell. I believe you all know Agent Coulson.”

The room exploded into noise, and Natasha grabbed the seat on the couch next to Clint as Tony, Steve and Bruce ganged up on Fury. “Bruce seems pretty upset.”

Fury wasn’t going down without a fight. “You needed a push. You were never going to work together without one. I did what was necessary.”

“He’s fine.” Clint paused the movie. “I couldn’t tell you. For weeks, they kept telling me he was going to die, that there was nothing they could do. Why risk everything to tell you, when he was going to die anyway?”

“I’m sorry for the things I said.” Natasha didn’t apologize very often but she had hurt Clint. “I should have trusted you. You never gave me a reason not to.”

 “Yeah, you should have. You said some shitty things to me, Nat.” He held out his arm though, and she tucked herself under it as they watched the situation continue to devolve. “Bets on who’s going to punch him in the face first?”

It turned out the smart money had been on Pepper, who had showed up right around the time Fury had finished slowly backing out of the TV room to the elevator. He’d almost made it out when the doors opened and Pepper hit him in the back of his head with her briefcase. He dropped like a stone and Pepper stepped over him with a sigh. “Tony, get this man out of my Tower. JARVIS, please revoke the Director’s overrides and call him a cab.”

Tony looked at Fury, then back at Pepper. He looked like a man very much in love. “Pepper has never needed a push.”

\---

They had schwarma delivered for lunch, at Tony’s insistence, since Phil had missed it the first time.

Halfway through his pita, Tony started eyeing him suspiciously. “Are we sure he’s not a robot? I’d always suspected he was a robot. They could have just booted up a new copy. How would we know the difference?”

“He’s not a robot.” Clint threw a piece of lettuce at Tony’s head. “Robots don’t spend weeks in a coma scaring the shit out of people.”

“I said I was sorry.” Phil said it like they’d had this conversation quite frequently the past week.

“You’re not sorry, and we both know it.” Clint sounded both annoyed and fond and he was reaching out to steal the container of sauce from Phil’s plate when there was a loud crash on the balcony outside. “Company.”

The balcony doors flew open and Thor walked in, looking very much like one would imagine a Norse god striding into a room would. “My friends. I apologize for my delay in returning, but I journeyed to Valhalla looking for the Son of Coul. He was not among the honored dead there, so I went to speak to my niece. She has…” Thor trailed off as he noticed Phil on the couch. “If you were going to go on an epic quest to retrieve our lost comrade, you could have summoned me.” He sounded very affronted.

Clint held out a foil wrapped pita as a peace offering. “It’s a long story, but there was no epic quest to the land of the dead. It involved a lot of sitting and worrying, mostly.”

“Such tales are also worth telling.”

“Not today.” If anyone besides Natasha had been paying attention, they would have noticed Clint’s fingers first tangle with Phil’s then squeeze.  

She hid her smile in her food. All was once again right in her world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone enjoyed the story. I'm hoping to write a piece from Clint's perspective, so we can also watch him come undone.

**Author's Note:**

> Credit for the title goes to my Dear Husband, who described Clint as Natasha's guiding light.


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